The weight of expectations

Social media has been ubiquitous during the pandemic. My disordered eating behaviours have thrived off it. Although I've never felt ready to seek formal diagnosis, I know that, at times in my life, had a problem relationship with eating: specifically, restricting food intake an unhealthy extent. At ages of 16–18 years, would watch number on scales decrease dangerous new lows, imposing further restrictions myself for slightest weight gain. miniscule portioning was matched frequent gym sessions, all focused type exercise that lower weight, and keep it way. now understand originated from social ideal physical appearance. As teenagers, friends TV programme America's Next Top Model, internalising aspiring be like those beautiful, underweight women. We saw actresses become smaller time series such as Friends. 15-year-old athletics track, head body occupied by sprint training, started talk about their imperfect bodies, parts or areas they wanted reduce. began feel uncomfortable; thighs, arms, disproportioned body, seemed far beauty ideal. doubts were encouraged increasing use media, which peers seeming meet unattainable standards receive most digital interaction—the likes holiday photos, shining faces, thigh gaps. To popular happy. In many aspects see hierarchy worth based Into adulthood, these feelings quite gone away. What method shrink became tangled coping mechanism stress anxiety undertook final school exams university degree. convinced around me low solely due stress. With help partner family, reality: needed gain before damaged further. Throughout last year crept BMI definition so-called healthy weight. relief pride when period returned, stutters long time, regular. Despite this initial progress, age 25 still over controlling exercise, go down whenever triggers accumulate. One trigger mass bombardment promotion channels start first lockdown UK, hints focus fitness creep onto morning news programmes—our connection world—directly telling us home necessary avoid sinking into our sofas. learnt weight-loss workouts; already doing some running swimming, trying moderation. So instead, took approach people time. This strange situation we wouldn't long, thought; let's embrace novelty, bunker homes, indulge good food. lives didn't count. But without usual routines place sense control, eat more than everyday amount. Probably sign what Of course, thoughts soon set in. looked different. limbs waist tighter clothes. don't own haven't used any but hyperaware changes. shame discomfort grew, determined get back under control. The way life everywhere desperate routine back; productively distorted version healthy. tightened, UK Government allowed hour per day. That obligatory; ran, cycled, succumbed workouts, stem anxieties. Naturally, excessive breeds mindset, no amount seems enough. media—in reality, whole world using outside fit active. And real mimicked channels. Every left flat, joggers walkers occupying streets. living, paired restrictive eating. All work seem wasted otherwise. Lockdown eased summer outdoor spaces. honed conversations personal achievements. only same everyone else, fine, normal. Loosening meant even outdoors. Longer runs, day-long bike rides, walking wherever possible. culture merged Instagram Facebook, bragging people's activities accomplishments via images distances run, pools swum in, routes cycled on. Tracked posts applications Strava Fitbit increasingly being shared channels, could longer filter out long-known triggers. panicked thought behind, so continued stringent regime, exercise-related injuries. told working through injury just part active individual. becoming super fit, together. A wave virus cases hit initiated. For me, came revived confused emotion ongoing uncertainty living Christmas shopping began, kitchen stocked luxury food, comfort ate, binged alone. typical indulgence, followed levels guilt compensatory exercise. Going January, diet showed itself media. spoke upset hear toxic ideas image dieting translated beliefs. questioned how should behaving; succumbing lifestyle, resented turned accounts helped past. backbone support throughout struggle promoting disorder recovery, anti‑dieting, positivity. Based accounts, ultimate goal recovery is according body's wants needs, strict schedule routine. An intuitive eater. From motivational words am developing mental resilience consumerist idea beauty. reminded daily industry business quickly if accepted bodies. Sometimes, need love rather, can find neutrality. Our presence does not dictate personalities, emotions, behaviours, allows live experience things offer. neutrality changes, learn size range naturally lie within, fight reason there fight? creates space live, comfortable, safe. compare ourselves beautiful Instagram? Body positivity are showing easily perfect faked clever camera angles lighting, sometimes photoshop. Even models look images, viewing caution, stop comparing tricks photography. These positive viewpoints helping true contrast highlights reel. problematic side source requires deliberate mindset. Therefore, few days week, give break possibility avoiding completely. unfollow make negatively body. try filtered photo lens, better, check—whether you bloated particular will effect whatsoever your relationships interactions. release control letting (the eater know) decide both when. call meal matching; let pressure deciding eat. On match, overthinking burden lifted. realise much unnecessary headspace up. write Essay individual overcome behaviours. yet recovered question anxieties ever completely stop. days, various support, educated, resilient, empowered recover. Eventually, hope able engage activity, health, enjoy interaction inspiration brings, feeling physically inadequate mentally provoked old obsessions. towards day judged fault exactly want, free restriction. awareness appreciate mobility strength is, expectations. end, mindfully, tailoring provide forums affect positively removing negative influences space. pandemic made pressures present ever, ultimately aren't real, choose acknowledge reduce us.